Getting Real with Tammy Torres

Keto has transformed many parts of my life, especially my mental health. The struggle has been very real, especially not being able to eat foods I have always enjoyed. In addition, I have been diagnosed with IBS-C, Metabolic Syndrome, and now I have Hypopnea (shallow breather).

I don’t even breathe right!?! Effff my life!!! All my vices have become my demons. Food, breathing, and my social media addiction have screwed me. My comforts and security blankets are no longer their for me. Where do I turn? Who have I become? Nakedly exposed to a world unknown to me anymore, where I don’t rule it but it rules me, transforming me into someone I don’t even know. Turning inward for self-comfort when I should be looking for support within family and friends. But where is the balance with all this when you let the outside world change your path and who you are?

When my twins where about 5, we were driving around town and my son popped off with a smart remark about wanting something. I pulled over out of frustration. I was a young mom not knowing how to deal with certain things, especially greedy children.

There was a cop in the parking lot. Getting out of my car, I walked over and asked him what I needed to provide my children by the state of Idaho rules. He said food, clothing, and shelter.

Being a creative person, I came up with this thought for my children that they have never forgotten till this day.

I could cloth them with gunny sacks, feed them bread and water, and we could live in a cardboard box. Everything else was extra and they had to earn it. The parent  manual was blank and technically, I didn’t have to love these little monsters … but I have from the start.

Fast forwarding to my adult children, my quick wit and my logic has turned into questioning, Who am I? Turning my strength into fragility. I went from taking on the world to letting the world walk all over me. My voice was no longer being heard the way I wanted it to be heard. I questioned every move I made after many years of being a bulldozer to get things taken care of. Yelling and screaming was my new norm – and that is not the way I ever took care on business in my job or my personal life.

Why did I let this happen?

Part of it was situational, part communication and not trusting my gut instincts anymore, listening to others about what was best for me.

Adding in, giving my children choices, which is great but how much was enough I finally asked myself. Being in a new relationship after two divorces, I became a “I am just this” or “Maybe I would like that”, unstable thinker. I wasn’t solid anymore. I took the role of being broken, a “victim of circumstances” sorta speaking.

Money, children, divorce, and mental health had destroyed the solid rock. I was smothered to the point of breaking down to the tiniest pieces of pebbles as life chiseled away at me with a hammer. Being so focused on my immediate surroundings and roles given to me, following them to a T by others’ rules, I didn’t see or notice how people and the world crept in to take over.

It is time to  re-write myself with my own pen.