I will be 40 next year. That’s a good 20 years of being a grown up, and one thing that has plagued me through my entire adult life is my weight.
Ew.
Even talking about it makes me cringe and want to run away. But, I’ve committed – to myself more than anyone else – to taking my struggle out of the dark shadows and facing it head on.
I’m one of those emotional eaters. I have been for all of my adult life. In junior high and high school I was targeted by and victimized by a teacher (who is still in prison) and while that’s a whole different story, the emotional baggage that came from that experience expressed itself through eating.
When I was cooperating with the prosecution to make sure the teacher went to prison, I ate.
When I had to testify at his parole hearing, I ate.
When my first husband told me on our one-month anniversary that he wasn’t sure he loved me, I ate.
When I found out my mom had cancer (while I was living 3000 miles away), I ate.
When I was happy, I ate. When I was sad, I ate. When I was stressed, I ate. When I was bored…well, you get the picture. Food was a major focus in my life.
No surprise, then, that my wonderful husband Dave has had the habit of picking up my favorite treat, whether it was ice cream or candy or chips and salsa, as a way to show affection. We fell into the habit of nightly snacking in front of the TV, exhausted after long days with five kids. He fell into the habit of showing his love with food.
Dave, however, gets on the treadmill every day. He still wears the same size jeans he wore in high school, the poo head.
I don’t think I could fit half of me in a pair of high school jeans.
So with my 40th birthday peaking at me from around the corner, and after a long, late night conversation with my darling husband to seek his help and support in facing this demon the way he’s helped me face all others, I’m making the effort to put food back where it belongs: in the role of sustenance, not entertainment; sustenance, not solace.
I want to be a good mom, a good role model for my kids. Most of all, I want to keep being here for them. So I’m committing (publicly, even) to better health, better eating habits, and better choices.
Note: I held off on publishing this for a couple of weeks, because this is a difficult topic for me, but I’m proud to say that I have been successful (with my husband’s help, since he does all the cooking) at making some major changes – changes that have already resulted in feeling better, having more energy, and a loss of 8 pounds. It’s not much, but it’s a start.
Shadra – Love you and your courageous heart. 🙂 Our 40s will be fabulous!
Eight pounds is wonderful! I am jealous since my health issues and medications can actually make you gain weight. Keep up the great work. Think of your body like a campfire and food it the food. You don’t want to throw too little or too much in. You want to throw on the right kinds of wood at regular intervals so the fire doesn’t go out. Healthy food at regular intervals (usually 5 times a day) keeps your energy fire burning!
Congratulations, 8 pounds is huge and you celebrate every single pound!!! Love you, Rocheann
Shadra, what a brave post. I can relate (except the 40’s part). 8lbs is a great start! keep it up. You are an inspiration!
Perspective my dear! I have learned from a great friend many things, including to remember these two things. First, its all about the present moment. And I think if all the past moments have led me to this present moment that I can learn from and enjoy, then all the past moments have had a purpose…the good and the bad. Second, it’s about having the right and power to choose how we see our past. We do have some HUGE fire breathing dragons in our closets and they do lurk in our shadows. I muster the courage the see them as CUTE little geckos. Some days are easier than others, but it is my perspective and my choice. And my note on my fridge says this, “Food is Fuel for the body! Are you really hungery? or just thirsty? Food will not fill my heart or my soul.”