Getting Real with Kira Hazledine
I had truly reached my limits with breastfeeding. There are no words to describe my love for the bond that Hallie and I have shared, and I have truly enjoyed most of our breastfeeding relationship. But I was done! I was tired of hearing requests for titties all day long, and then once she was day-weaned, I definitely wasn’t thrilled hearing a whimper for titties at 3am. And 4am. And 4:30am. I would have nights where I didn’t want anyone, including my husband, to touch me at the end of the day. We have been weaning for oh, about a year now. But we have finally won the war.
So why am I so sad now that, aside from one or two sessions a day, my two-year old is weaned? Shouldn’t I be jumping for joy that there’s no longer a toddler swinging from my nipples? Don’t get me wrong, I’m all about the extra sleep I’ve been getting. But oh my goodness. The emotions are so mixed.
I feel like a horrible mother when I have to gently ease Hallie away from my chest at night when she cries to be nursed. I want to cave so badly, but really, she cries for maybe a minute total before she’s sound asleep again. Hallie is also sleeping so much better, which tells me that Hallie was waking out of habit and convenience more than anything. I am sleeping better, which in my pregnant state, is absolutely fantastic.
It’s also one more reminder that my little baby girl is not such a baby anymore. She is a walking, talking toddler with a whole lot of attitude and opinions. Hallie is growing right before my eyes and I still feel like I’m missing it. Letting go of breastfeeding is like letting go of my first baby just in time for the next, and the mom guilt sets in.
But this is the right time for us. Previous attempts at weaning have been a nightmare, but Hallie hasn’t noticed much this time around. Hallie is too busy with other adventures and getting sleep to fuel those adventures. I’m too busy growing another human, and I don’t want to be bouncing between toddler and infant for night-time nursing sessions.
As sad as I am, I am so proud of my growing little girl. I am proud of myself for nurturing her in this way for so long and looking forward to how our relationship will grow from here. I am also well-aware that I might see a bit of regression when Hallie sees a new baby having her titties. I never wanted to tandem-nurse, but I never expected to breastfeed a two-year-old either. We will see how things pan out for us, but if this weaning journey as taught me anything, it’s that this is a two-way street with a lot of complicated emotions.
So here’s to the next breastfeeding journey, and more milestones for both of my growing babies. Please excuse me while I go cry now.