MomsGetReal™.com interviewed adolescent psychologist and author of You and Your Adolescent Dr. Laurence Steinberg to find answers to some of your most critical teen love & relationship questions. Thank you to all of our readers and Facebook fans who contributed questions! While this interview is longer than our typical post, the information Dr. Steinberg shares is so important that we are publishing the interview unedited.
MomsGetReal™ (IGMP): What is the typical age for the start of dating these days?
Dr. Steinberg: In the United States, the average teenager begins dating at around 13 or 14. About 25 percent start by 12, and by 16, at least 90 percent have been on at least one date. Of course, “dating” is a word that can mean many different things, from an old-fashioned romantic activity with a steady boyfriend or girlfriend, to a group outing where a teenager spends some time hanging out with a romantic interest while in a large group with other friends.
IGMP (via Facebook fan page): A couple of years ago girls were caught giving BJ’s to boys on the bus in the middle school my kids will be going to. How do I approach this with them (girl and boy) and should I let them ride the bus? It’s still two years away, and I’ve thought about instilling the fear of death but I’d like to be more diplomatic.
And here I thought that school buses were requiring passengers to buckle up! Clearly there is a time and place for everything, and I think that most would agree that public transit is an inappropriate place for people to be having oral sex. If you haven’t started talking to your kids about sex (oral and otherwise), now is certainly the time to start, and one of the messages you need to convey is that certain activities are not for public display. I don’t think your kids will be harmed by riding the bus, but this is not the sort of thing that kids should have to observe on the way to or from school. Talk to the bus driver and the school board to make sure they’ve taken steps to ensure this will not happen again.
IGMP: What are your thoughts on courtship versus dating?
I think courtship, in the sense that you mean it, is a thing of the past in the United States, at least during adolescence (and in some circles, even in young adulthood). The average age of marriage has slowly crept up since the 1950s and is now about 26 for women and 27 for men. So it is unlikely that people 10 years younger than that are realistically pursuing marriage (although they may have those fantasies). But this doesn’t mean that teenagers aren’t interested in intimacy or even monogamy – studies show that most of them are (contrary to what you see on television or in the movies). I’m not sure that all parents would consider it a sign of “purity” to know that their adolescent is being faithful in a relationship with someone he or she doesn’t think of as a potential marriage partner, but I think we can agree that this is preferable to promiscuity (and studies show that adolescents with multiple sex partners are less likely to practice safe sex.) Personally, I see nothing wrong with teenagers who are 16 or older having sex in the context of a caring, monogamous, relationship, so long as the sex is safe and genuinely consensual.
IGMP: Why are young marriages prone to higher failure rates?
For lots of reasons, but not because, as many people think, the partners are too immature psychologically. After all, many people married at a much younger age several generations ago than is typically the case today, and the divorce rate was much lower in the past. I think the high rate of instability in young marriages is mainly a function of who is getting married at that age and why they are tying the knot. Younger individuals have usually completed less school, which means they are at a disadvantage in the labor force (or may be trying to juggle school and work at the same time). While the current economic crisis has affected almost everyone, it has taken a disproportionately ugly toll on those with less education. Most jobs that pay a decent wage require a college degree these days, and people who marry young are less likely to be college graduates. So young couples are often living under financial stress, which can often lead to divorce. (Divorce rates are much higher at lower income levels.) Second, a large proportion of young marriages are entered into because of pregnancy. That means that a young married couple is often a young married couple with a baby, and when you add financial strain to that picture, you can imagine how hard day to day life is.
