IGMP: What are the signs of a destructive or abusive teen relationship? If I see these signs what steps can I take to ensure my child is safe and gets the help he/she may need?
Certainly, any signs of unexplained physical injury, like bruises, should be looked into. But some individuals manifest the consequences of being in an abusive relationship with symptoms of depression, anxiety, self-deprecation, or substance abuse. If your child exhibits any of these things (or more generally shows a worrisome change in personality, behavior, or school performance that lasts two weeks or more) you should find out why. If you discover that he or she (yes, males can be abused by females) is in an abusive relationship, put an end to the relationship, and get your child into counseling ASAP. You don’t want a pattern to get established.
IGMP: How much of a role do hormones play in teen relationships?
This is a complicated subject, because the answer differs for males and females, at least when it comes to sex. Both sexes experience increases in both “male” (e.g., testosterone) and “female” (e.g., estrogen) sex hormones in adolescence, but, of course, the pattern of change differs between boys and girls. Generally speaking, testosterone is the hormone that is associated with sex drive in both sexes; estrogen plays a role in sexualizing the adolescent girl’s body, but it has far less of an impact on her sex drive than testosterone does. Because boys get a bigger testosterone jolt at puberty, they experience a bigger hormonally-driven increase in libido. But interest in sex is affected by many factors, and hormones are only a part of the story. So, even though adolescent girls experience less of a hormonally-driven increase in libido at puberty than boys, they still experience an increase in their interest in sex drive for non-biological reasons, like watching their friends start to date. So, the simple answer to a complicated question is that both males’ and females’ interest in sex is influenced by a combination of hormonal and social forces, but that the relative contributions of each differ between the sexes, with hormones playing a relatively bigger role among males than females. I should also point out that there are other hormonal changes in adolescence that affect relationships. There is an increase in the hormone oxytocin, which is known to affect our interest in forming attachments to others (there is a big increase in this hormone after one has a child, which facilitates a bond between parent and infant). Scientists are just now beginning to explore the role that oxytocin plays in adolescent friendships and romance.
IGMP: How can parents keep teen relationships from spiraling out of control or getting too serious without minimizing the feelings of the teens involved?
One way is to place some limits on how often your teenager can go out on dates and socialize. It’s important to make sure that he or she knows that at this age, doing well in school should be the top priority. That way, you are not minimizing the importance of the relationship – just helping your adolescent to put it in perspective.
IGMP: How long does the average teen relationship last? Should we just hope it blows over and stay out of it?
Adolescent romances are notoriously unstable – the average high school romance lasts about six months. So, yes, unless the romantic partner is harmful to your adolescent’s well being (e.g., abusive, influencing your teen to drink, use drugs, commit crimes, or do other things you don’t approve of, and so forth), I would recommend biting your tongue. Psychologists describe a “Romeo and Juliet effect,” where parental disapproval actually intensifies an adolescent’s interest in a romantic partner, although usually temporarily.
IGMP: How involved should you let the boyfriend or girlfriend be with the family? We’ve seen everything from parents allowing sleepovers to teens sharing holidays, and it seems like too much too soon!
I think this is a matter of personal taste. In general, the more you get to know your teenager’s boyfriend or girlfriend, the better able you are to monitor their relationship, and the more authority you will have to speak out about it if need be. Spending time with that person, or having that person around the house, is certainly one way to accomplish this. And, of course, adolescents are less likely to do things their parents disapprove of when their parents are close at hand.
MomsGetReal™ would like to thank Dr. Laurence Steinberg for taking the time to answer these tough questions about teen love and relationships. You can find his books at Amazon.
