Have you ever had someone discount your role in your children’s life because they’ve just discovered that you are “only” a stepparent? How did that make you feel? Having people discount your contribution to the family simply because you did not give birth to the child is a very painful experience. Raising children, whether you carry them for nine months or marry into their family, is a difficult process that requires commitment, sacrifice, and dedication.
Unfortunately, becoming defensive or trying to list all of the things you do for your stepchildren can backfire and make you seem like the ultimate martyr. I have hope for all of you stepparents out there, though, who are feeling disregarded and under-appreciated.
I know you’ve been there for your stepkids. You’ve attended their soccer games, gone to their choir performances, quietly cheered for their every success. I know you’ve been shoved to the side when bio mom or dad suddenly slips back in to take that moment of glory and you’ve been left on the sidelines. I know you’ve been there for all of the little moments, too – the canceled dates because your stepchild had the flu, the alone time you sacrificed with your spouse because he or she was feeling guilty about not spending enough time with his or her kids.
This is an excerpt from Shadra’ s book, Stories From a StepMom, available on Amazon Kindle. Read more or request a review copy.
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Comment from Debbie J. from Facebook:
Debbie wrote:
“I took your wonderful advice while I was out of state visiting my stepson. It was a very good time. Thanks for your great articles!! I think the best part of your articles is the first hand knowledge and the empowerment. The ideas of step-children knowing more than a lot of us give them credit, and telling the step-parent that you *can* do this. I took what you said and really just saw him for who he has become, instead of some preconceived idea I had of him. We shared some history with him that helped him better understand and forgive in the situation. He is a really good kid! Thanks for your insight!
May you all continue to be blessed in your work!””
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! I’m a young “step” mom. I don’t like that term so I call myself the “other mom” even though my son calls me by my name. It’s sooo hard sometimes. I can’t count how many times I’ve wanted to walk away and he’s only 5yrs young! I am adding this to my favorite list so I can refer to it when I’m feeling like the third wheel. It’s such a heart wrenching feeling but it helps to know I’m not alone, unfortunately.
Veronica, being a step mom is a journey – and it’s not always very easy. It takes a LOT of support from your husband to make things work smoothly, since he is the bio parent involved. It also takes being forgiving of yourself if you don’t always have the patience, the love, or the ability to “perfectly” handle the situation. But, it does get better with time!!
As a step and biological Mom, and the author of a book on stepfamilies which included not only my own experience but research with stepfamily authorities and other stepfamilies, I am aware, all to often, of the high rate of divorce among these families.
One reason is that there are no understood guidelines for these families. Society tends to apply the rules of first marriages, while ignoring the complexities of stepfamilies.
A little clarification: In stepfamilies the child(ren) is of one co-parent; in a blended families, there are children from both co-parents, and virtually all family members have recently experienced a primary relationship loss.
The Landmines
Three potential problem areas are: Financial burdens, Role ambiguity, and the Children’s Negative Feelings when they don’t want the new family to “work.”
Husbands sometimes feel caught between the often impossible demands of their former family and their present one. Some second wives also feel resentful about the amount of income that goes to the husband’s first wife and family.
Legally, the stepparent has no prescribed rights or duties, which may result in tension, compromise, and role ambiguity.
Another complication of role ambiguity is that society seems to expect acquired parents and children to instantly love each other. In reality, this is often just not the case.
The third reason for a difficult stepparent-child relationship might be that a child does not want this marriage to work, and so, acts out with hostility, since children commonly harbor fantasies that their biological parents will reunite. Stepchildren can prove hostile adversaries, and this is especially true for adolescents.
Stepmother Anxiety
Clinicians say that the role of stepmother is more difficult than that of stepfather, because stepmother families may more often be born of difficult custody battles and/or particularly troubled family relations. Society is also contradictory in expecting loving relationships between stepmothers and children while, at the same time, portraying stepmothers as cruel and even abusive (Snow White, Cinderella, and Hansel and Gretel are just a few bedtimestories we are all familiar with).
Stepfather Anxiety
Men who marry women with children come to their new responsibilities with a mixed bag of emotions, far different from those that make a man assume responsibility for his biological children. A new husband might react to an “instant” family with feelings which range from admiration to fright to contempt.
The hidden agenda is one of the first difficulties a stepfather runs into: The mother or her children, or both, may have expectations about what he will do, but may not give him a clear picture of what those expectations are. The husband may also have a hidden agenda.
A part of the stepchildren’s hidden agenda is the extent to which they will let the husband play father.
The key is for everyone to work together.
The husband, wife, their stepchildren, and their non-custodial biological parent can all negotiate new ways of doing things by taking to heart and incorporating the information you are about to learn—the most positive alternative for everyone.
One Day at a Time
Now you have a pretty good feel for what everyone is going through. How do you start to make it better — a process that can take years? First you must be very clear about what you want and expect from this marriage and the individuals involved, including yourself. What are you willing to do? In a loving and positive way, now is the time to articulate, negotiate, and come to an agreement on your expectations and about how you and your partner will behave.
The best marriages are flexible marriages, but how can you be flexible if you do not know what everyone needs right now. And, this may change over time, so there must be room for that to happen as well.
In flexible marriages partners are freer to reveal the parts of their changing selves that no longer fit into their old established patterns. You couldn’t possibly have known at the beginning of your new family what you know now and will learn later.
Spouses may feel the “conflict taboo” even more than in a first marriage. It is understandable that you want to make this marriage work. You might feel too “battle-scarred” to open “a can of worms.” And so, you gloss over differences that need airing and resolution—differences over which you may not have hesitated to wage war in your first marriage. Avoiding airing your differences is a serious mistake. It is important for you to understand your own and your partner’s needs because society hasn’t a clue how stepfamilies should work. Unless you talk about your expectations, they are likely to be unrealistic.
Living Well
Since roughly one third of stepfamilies do survive—even thrive—we know that stepfamilies can grow the safety, support, and comfort that only healthy families provide. Consider the following for living your step/blended family life well:
You must assess, as a couple, how well you accept and resolve conflicts with each other and key others. Learn and steadily work to develop verbal skills: listen with empathy, effectively show your needs, and problem-solve together. The emotional highs of new love can disguise deep disagreement on parenting, money, family priorities, and home management, i.e., values that will surface after the wedding.
Together, accept your prospective identity as a normal, unique, multi-home stepfamily. You need to admit and resolve strong disagreements, well enough for positive results.
You must balance and co-manage all of these tasks well enough on a daily basis to: build a solid, high-priority marriage; enjoy your kids; and, to keep growing emotionally and spiritually as individual people.
Know and take comfort in the fact that confidant stepfamily adult teams (not simply couples), can provide the warmth, comfort, inspiration, support, security—and often (not always) the love—that adults and kids long for.
Gloria Lintermans is the author of THE SECRETS TO STEPFAMILY SUCCESS: Revolutionary Tools to Create a Blended Family of Support and Respect.
Thanks for this great insight and advice!
I don’t think people realize how painful it is to hear “you are not the real mom”. This is a great article. Thank you.