Getting Real with Kira Hazledine

Right now, you are sleeping peacefully next to me. I breastfed you to sleep for nap, as we do every day, and have done for the last 29 months. It’s been just you, me, and daddy, and any day now our family of three will be a family of four. As excited as I am for the birth of your brother, I can’t help but shed a few tears.

You changed my life, beautiful girl. You brought new meaning to everything I had ever known, and you have made me a better person. You forced me to battle my demons so that I could be the mother you needed. You challenged me to prioritize our lives for the better and encouraged me to be more empathetic towards others. You are the shining light I needed, and I can’t thank you and your daddy enough for getting me through dark days.

I’ve been taking a few extra moments as my second pregnancy progresses. I’ve been holding you closer, playing with you longer, and giving you just one or two or three more stories at bedtime. Although I know in my heart I will have enough love and attention for two babies, I also know that it won’t be the same.

I’ll have to say “wait” and “hold on” a little bit more. I’ll have to juggle your needs while also juggling a crying baby. I will be tired and my patience will be thin. The three of us at home, while daddy is at work, will have to build an entirely new routine that doesn’t involve nearly as much play time with your friends. At least not until flu season is over.

And as I think of all the times I’ll have to say “no” or “just a minute,” my eyes fill with tears. The last thing I want is to neglect you, dear baby girl, and I’m terrified that I won’t have enough for the two gifts in my life. I’ll beg you to forgive me in the moments where I’ve lost my patience or blamed you for exhaustion that you were not the cause of. I’ll cry wondering whether I’m giving you enough, even if rationally I know you’re just fine.

Because we will be perfectly fine. I can’t wait for all the moments that we will have together and what a great big sister you will be. I’m so excited for the crafts I’ll suffer through, since we can’t play with your friends all the time, as I rock your brother to sleep in my arms. I will let you use so much glue, because I know you love glue, despite my disdain for crafting. I promise I will prioritize you and your brother, and that you won’t lose out. Balance will have to be found, and I will try every day to find it.

So this is my good bye to you baby girl, as an only child. There will be two gremlins in my life, and even though I’m scared, my heart has never been so full. You’ll prove to me again what a great mother I can be, and you’ll guide me in making the right choices for our family. Thank you for being the amazing child that you are. You will always be my first born, and I will never forget the lessons you have taught me.