Getting Real With Shadra Bruce
The holiday season is coming, and I’ve discovered over the years that as much as most of us enjoy holidays, they are not always very easy for anyone involved, whether you are mom, dad, or step parent. The silent tug of war that gets played out over who gets the kids when and what holiday they spend with which parent can make a person dread the holidays and add a lot of stress to the season. While you may not have any choice about what is spelled out in a custody agreement, and you may only get Thanksgiving on odd years and Christmas on even, here are some tips for moms and dads to help make the holidays the best they can be for the kids:
• Use holidays as an excuse to bring family closer. While sharing Christmas dinner with his ex-wife and your ex-husband might not be feasible, you can be flexible about when and how you celebrate so that the kids can be included as much as possible at each parent’s home.
• It does not take much time at all to put together a family newsletter that talks about the kids and what they did with their year – something that focuses exclusively on them that the kids can share with their family. Take pictures that the kids can share with grandparents, aunts, and uncles on all sides.
• If you are devastated that you can’t have your kids with you on Thanksgiving, don’t let them see how upset you are. Put on a brave front and let them know that you think it is important that they spend time with the other parent. If you can, work around the custody schedule – do Thanksgiving on Friday instead!
• Remember that the grown-ups are supposed to do what is best for the children, and that means they should grin and bear it when it comes to the holidays. Don’t mar your children’s holidays by complaining about how their schedule is ruining yours. Don’t taint their memories of the holidays with fights and struggles over who gets to do what. Put them first.
Divorce is never easy and managing the holidays is very difficult on everyone. Bitter feelings and fights over the details of what and when punish the children and put a lot of extra pressure and stress on kids who already feel torn apart. Remember, the best gift you can give your children during the holidays is peace and harmony. Let them feel the love of all of their family without any reminders of old wounds and tired arguments.