Getting Real With Tammy Bartholomew
Divorce can be ugly, and the bottom line is, divorce is about money and control: Who is paying the money and who has the control of the kids. My parents have been both married and divorced 4 times. My mom is still with “old #4” as he calls himself after 18 years. They are to the point they finish each other’s sentences; it’s cute.
Cute as it is now, it wasn’t always that way. After my mom divorced my real father, I lived full time with my mom, never really seeing my father. I knew him but I think because of the control my mom exerted, he never really reached out to me as he could have. He also went on with his life, new wife and kids. My mom remarried a military man and we traveled, moving a lot.
Money was also a variable with child support. I am not all justifying this or making an excuse not to see your child, but sometimes it is a factor. My ex-husband is ordered to pay all the travel cost for our 3 children. I was very adamant about this in the beginning, because I was not the one who moved out of the state; he was. He moved, so he pays. After a while, I saw him struggling as I did.
Who does it hurt when the kids can’t visit both parents? Our kids.
One day I called him and said, “I will not always be able to help, but if I can I will.” I still know it’s ultimately his responsibility. Luckily for my kids sake, my ex and I try to be civil. He lives in a nearby state and we have a very set schedule for the kids visitation. I have to admit, in the beginning I was controlling.
They are my kids and I don’t want them hurt. I don’t want them being taken and raised by anyone else but me.
Then, I started to remember about my dad and how he wasn’t around. Who did it hurt? Me. That is exactly what path my kids were heading down. They were paying the price for us.
It amazes me. As a couple we were fine paying for whatever they needed. Now that we are divorced, no one wants to pay. Everyone has what they think they are entitled to in divorce. I realize not all divorces are fair, or amicable. They are physically, emotional, and mentally painful. My parents try to get along, but still don’t like each other and pull the control card when it comes to my children and me. Its extremely sad.
In the end kids should always come first.
Keep Smiling, Tammy
