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Pregnancy and Your Newborn

Don’t Touch My Newborn. I WILL Slap You.

I was serious about my first and I’m serious about my second. Do not touch my newborn.

Getting Real with Kira Hazledine

When I was nearing the birth of my first child, a whole slew of random people kept telling me how excited they were to hold my newborn. This doesn’t include family or close friends, whom I assumed would of course get to enjoy my delightful spawn. I’m talking about the random coworkers that only engage with me because of my pregnancy or acquaintances that I run into at the grocery store. Uhm, no. You, random person, do not get to touch or hold my baby.

Before my baby was even born I had all sorts of guards up to protect against germs and whatever else is out in the world. It’s scary when the baby leaves your womb! They are so safe in there and look what you’ve done. Now they are in the cruel world, ready to be manhandled by any old lady that loves dimples.

This brought me to my next thought, which is circling around again as I approach the birth of my second child. If any randomer, even the cutest old lady in the whole wide world, tries to touch my newborn. I will literally slap you.

Just a little pat on the hand or wrist. But it will be a solid no from me. Get away from my newborn.

It’s not like anyone tries to touch my dimples or pat my head as a grown ass woman. There’s no one poking my nose. I know, I’m not an adorable newborn, but still. It’s called personal space. You can’t touch my baby, just because they are defenseless and literally can’t tell you “no.”

This is not about asking my baby permission to touch them, or those new-wave moms who ask their babies if they can change their diaper. Honestly, you do you. I’m just going to assume my baby needs changed and go from there, but we won’t get into that. This isn’t even about asking me if you can hold my baby, because the answer is still going to be “no.” I’ll just be more polite about it. Thanks for asking, though. Much appreciated.

This is about keeping babies healthy. Most don’t get their vaccinations until two months old, leaving them susceptible to a million things. I don’t know who you’ve come into contact with or what you’ve touched. You could be the best handwasher in the world and still be carrying germs. Yes, I know, germs are a reality. But I’d rather limit the baby-touching to a close circle of trusted family and friends whom I know aren’t complete idiots about cleanliness. No offense.

So, I’m quite serious. I was serious about my first and I’m serious about my second. I never had the opportunity to slap anyone with my firstborn, but I’m more than willing to test it out this time around. Do not touch my newborn. We will have more than words, randomer.

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