Getting Real with Kira Hazledine

Everyone loves a squishy baby. I know I do. I love holding other people’s babies even more than I love holding my own, because I can hand them back when they poop or start crying. You get all the benefits of baby snuggles without the responsibilities of parenting. So, yeah, I get it. People want to hold MY newborn. The difference? I know my place. In my book, baby-holding is invitation only, and I won’t hesitate to smack your hand away.

For whatever reason, the aunt I never talk to or my husband’s co-worker feel entitled to hold my newborn baby. Strangers at the grocery store want to pinch his chubby little cheeks. And it just blows my mind. We don’t walk up to random adults that we are vaguely familiar with, or complete strangers, and ask for hugs. So here are all the reasons why I might tell you “no” when you want to hold my baby, and yes, I’m serious.

  1. It’s flu season.

Germs are flying everywhere, and even if it wasn’t flu season, I’m not sure when you washed your hands last. I’m not going to play pass the unvaccinated baby, especially with anti-vaxxers rolling around these days. I’m not going to gamble on your hygiene and health practices, so take your sniffles somewhere else.

  1. We aren’t friends.

Strangers are a solid “hell no,” but even most people that I know are a hard pass. Just because I know you, doesn’t mean I like you. And even if I like you a little, doesn’t mean I trust you with my baby. We all have various circles of friends, and only a select few are given the green light to hold my newborn. If you must ask whether you’re one of those people, you already know the answer.

  1. Family is not a good enough excuse.

You being family does not grant permission to hold my baby. See above, because I like my friends a lot better than a huge chunk of my family. Blood ties mean nothing in my circle, so if you want to hold my baby with the excuse of being family, better make sure you even called me during pregnancy before you ask.

  1. The baby is sleeping/breastfeeding.

If the baby is breastfeeding, don’t even consider asking. How would you feel if I swiped your dinner plate mid-meal? It’s so freaking rude. The child is eating, breastmilk is flowing, and unless you want baby tears and spraying breastmilk on your hands, leave us be. Also, if my child is sleeping, let’s leave them undisturbed. Sleeping babies are oh-so-cute, but those quiet moments are more precious to me than your desire for baby snuggles. Bye.

  1. I owe you nothing.

Seriously. This is my baby. I spent 9 long months growing this human. I pushed this human out of my vagina, and it didn’t tickle. So, if I don’t want you to hold my baby simply because I don’t freaking feel like it, that’s a good enough reason. You can go kick rocks if you have a problem, because this child? It’s not yours. It’s mine, and I get to decide when and by whom my baby gets held. End of story.